The Legend Of Mr. Toerag

As it is almost always the case little is known, about Mr. Toerag.

But it is said he was the first American gym teacher, and coined the stupid word “physette” as in physette class.

He was always good to his family, fit as heck, never aged, son of a gun, never ached either.

But in his physete class, he discovered that no one followed his fitness directions.

Unlike all the other trainers, or maybe, like them, he decided that if his time is to be wasted.

His caring and loving fitness advice ignored, the we will god damn willing make entire generations suffer.

And his plan was simple, give the stupid nongs, the advice that they always wanted to hear.

At the end of his first and last semester, he falsely admitted that he was wrong.

That to build big muscle, you have to lift big weights.

Lift weight so heavy that you sit 57 minutes out of the our, admiring yourself for your power.

He took his stupid hat, and his stupid notebook, added “light weight are for pussies” and left the classroom with joy.

The boys, slowly adopted this stupid fantasy. Became fat fathers crippled from muscle atrophy in old age.

Passing on the teachings of Mr. Toerag on to their kids, and their kids onto their stupid kids.

And today, we all see the results, adults who can barely walk because they never put on muscle.

From their childhood on, they barely hung on, and as they slowed, they let it all go.

Without muscle, bad posture feels right, and with bad posture comes deformity.

What was Mt. Toreag trying to teach, that resulted in such an evil curse, from ignorance of it.

It was just this: non-stop motion for one hour must come first, the same way joggers learn to move for one hour.

And only then do you add, the lightest of dumbbells, wait for your body to grow muscle and adapt.

You always move for one hour, gently adding more and more pounds, as your body adapts, never so much that you are forced to stop.

I agree with Mr. Toerag, but I am angry about the word physette, I can’t find in a dictionary, I can’t find it on the internet.

I think he just created it, to teach jerks like me a lesson too,

Who was Mr. Toerag, he was wise and happy, never skated up a hill - but his curse is cruel, in deed.

Maybe he just believed as many educators do, that dunces are beyond all help, and the geniuses help themselves.

I have nothing to say to this, this is Mr. Toerag’s legend.

I just want you to know that gym does not hurt after a few days, those initial aches are just from stretching your muscle.

They are more of a symptom that you are already sick, from a sedentary life style.

And that you begin with walking, and then walking really fast, until you can slowly jog for a little while, then you stop and rest.

But you have to measure your stops and rest, you must aim to eliminate them.

If you run in-doors use a timer, if you run on the outside use landmarks.

Once you slowly jog for an hour, you add 3lb dumbbells.

Then when you body adapts, you dance with dumbbells for an hour.

You move and lift to slow music, one beat up, next beat down.

Start with bicep curn and whan your arms get tired don’t stop, just switch to lifting above your head, which will help your arms rest.

And before you know it, you can switch back to biceps, and all without stopping.

You never force your body to lift more than you can, as that will stop you and collapse your exercise for the day to a whimper.

Don’t be like Mr. Toerag, but also don’t be like his students.

Talking on the phone for an hour, next to a sign that says take phones in a lobby.

Sitting next to heavy weights, that destroyed your workout, waiting to recover, from what was just stupidly cutting of your circulation.

Have your walks on the outside, backpack, hike big trails, attach rubber snakes to people’s backpacks and call yourself: La Loco Meduza

Come in to the gym when it rains, consider staying for a couple of years till you reach 20lb per hand non stop.

And make Mr. Toerag proud, he’s old but fit.

Probably hiking the Appalachian, Pacific Crest, and Continental Divide trails, as we speak, tough as nails, tough as nails.

Fare thee well, Mr. Toerag, we apologize, we understand now.